I’ve always dreaded this day, though I knew one day it would have to come. It had been 215 years since I had seen his chocolatety brown eyes, 215 years since I had heard his enchanting voice, 215 years since my heart was destroyed, 215 years since I had left that night.
It was true, I had given him a choice. It was true, I had given them my blessing. And yes, it was even true, I had given them my word of return, but it had just been too hard.
See, I had done such foolish things not because I was unselfish, I had done them because I never thought I could lose. I can still smell the fresh tears that ran down her face as she pleaded for me to let him go....to give her one lifetime...to make her happy and him. I can still see the silent pleas on his face...the internal struggle inside he waged. I had believed our love was strong enough...I had believed I was what he needed...I had believed I was enough for eternity...but I had been wrong, I wasn’t.
He had built a life as myn had gone in shambles. He had begun a family, where I had become homeless. He lived in happiness, where I lived in misery. He had found all he had wanted where I became lost in a haze.
Perhaps it is my cursed perfect memory that made it had for me to deal...to feel...to create...to live.. that led to the loss of a complete century. Perhaps it is the feel of betrayal that will never leave, that holds me back. I can forgive...but I can never forget.
I became him, helping where ever I fled. I became him, masking what I felt. I became him and hid in the shadows. I returned when I could, never letting on I was there to see how everyone was. I kept in touch with Xander, Cordelia and Giles. I had attended all there funerals, making sure that I was unseen. I watched over their families, trying to keep them safe from harm and I have succeeded. But it is now that I stand before my wedding day to Giles’ great, great, great grandson that he has returned. That he has found me.
I shall never be able to tell him what it was like to see him marry another women, never be able to tell him what it was like to live without him for fifty years and want me to accept him back...and I can never tell him what it felt like to see him carry his child..... because if I do..I shall die once more.
And I have died too many deaths....
I tell him goodbye once more....I tell him to leave me in peace once more...I tell him to let me be happy for once....But I never tell him that I still love him...I never tell him to wait for me.... I never tell him to return.
His choice was made 215 years ago.