The first thing you must do is remember that I am a selfish bastard, once you accept that, then you will know my reasons for what I did. But that doesn’t justify my actions.

I am 450 years old. I have lived too long, seen too much, and hurt beyond repair. But what has kept me alive, what has pushed me forward is the hopes of seeing her face once again. A face I have dreamed of for the past 215 years.

I was stupid....foolish....ignorant.....and now I am paying dearly for my mistake. I will not lie, yes, I loved Buffy.....as a boy...but I loved Willow as a man..... and you must remember I was still much a boy then.

The night she left I cried.... but in all my misery...in all my pain...I was too much of a coward to look for her...to see the betrayal in her eyes.... to see the tears I was sure she had shed.

Every night I touched Buffy I imagined touching her cool creamy skin, each kiss was to her, each pleasure I gave for her, each moan her voice. I can still remember the way Buffy would curl up in a ball and cry. Each time I yelled out in ecstasy it was not her name that fell from my lips but Willow’s.

Each chance I got, I left and searched....returning to the places we had visited, returning to the apartment we had shared...returning to the bed we both had slept in.

I tried, believe me when I say I tried, to stay faithful to Buffy...but I could not... Willow haunted my every thought, my every memory. That was the reason I would not take the solemn vow of matrimony Buffy begged me for.

As a mistake as our union was, I tried to make it work...for her. I had an eternity left, she only a lifetime. But we failed...

She found solace in the love of another and for that I will always be indebted to.  I gave her up freely and happily, wishing her what she could not have with me....hoping that I, too, one day may have that happiness she had.

And so I began to search for the only woman I loved, returning when needed and seeing the friends that were growing older and meeting the young children they were raising.

She had eluded me so well, leaving town just before I arrived, disappearing into the dark as she had that night so long ago.

For 215 years I have searched......
    ......and I have now finally found her......
        ..............upon her wedding day.

I have made my decision....I shall do what I should have done 2 centuries ago....

The first thing you must do is remember that I am a selfish bastard, once you  accept that, then you will know my reasons for what I did.........